


You Don't Even Know My Name

by fandomshere_fandomsthere



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Sad Dan Howell, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, implied depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-29
Updated: 2017-03-29
Packaged: 2018-10-12 10:27:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10488819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandomshere_fandomsthere/pseuds/fandomshere_fandomsthere
Summary: It's a long way down.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Wow hey I actually managed to write something that isn't complete shit!! Writer's block is a bitch.

            Dan had always loved the water. He loved the way it always moved. Even ponds hand tiny waves and puddles were stirred by ripples. The sound of waves lapping gently on the shore had lulled him to sleep as he laid on the beach on many occasions. The roar and crash of the ocean was what played in his ears when his anxiety peaked. If he wanted inspiration, he’d walk to the nearest pond or lake and simply look out at the water. Water was healing. Water was dark and mysterious, but also clear and refreshing. Water was life.

            This situation was ironic, then.

            Dan stared down at the rushing water of the river Thames, feeling a shiver run down his spine that had little to do with the midwinter chill in the air. This wasn’t the river that he had known in the few years he’d lived in London. That one ran lazily in the summer, swelled when it rained, and had little fish in it that Dan could see whisk by if he looked long enough. This river ran quickly, so quickly that he was sure it could knock him off his feet and sweep him into the ocean in a matter of minutes. It was pitch black, frothing and swirling like potion in a cauldron. Even from how far above the water he was, tiny droplets of icy water stung Dan’s face and made him shiver.

            Dan took a deep breath and leaned over the railing, observing the thin metal ledge. His hands scrabbled for purchase on the slippery metal before he gripped it until his knuckles were white and stepped over the railing. He slowly turned around on the ledge, cold metal digging into the small of his back as he pressed himself against the railing, hands still gripping it tightly. The only thing separating him from the black torrent below was his hands. Once he let go, his feet would slip and he’d fall forward into the abyss.

            “Hello?”

            _Shit._

            Dan said nothing. He didn’t even look behind him. He just stared at the patch of moonlight that was reflected on the water. It was just the wind, he was sure. No one else was around.

            “Are you alright?” The voice behind him was lower than his, full of concern—with a hint of fear.

            “Go the fuck away,” Dan snapped. “Leave me alone.”

            “Please don’t let go,” the stranger begged.

            “Why shouldn’t I? No one would care.”

            “I’d care.”

            Dan snorted. “You have no idea who I am. You don’t even know my name.”

            “Tell me.”

            “Leave me alone.”

            “I’m Phil.”

            Dan swallowed. “…What are you doing out here? It’s the middle of the night.”

            The railing creaked as Phil sat down. Dan looked away from him. He caught a glimpse of Phil’s shadow on the road. Dan’s own shadow wasn’t far away. The images were stretched, making Dan look even more lanky and awkward than he already was. He decided to turn his gaze back to the river. Vibrations ran through the railing, caused by Phil’s heels bumping against it as he swung his legs back and forth.

            “It’s a beautiful night,” Phil answered. “I like going on walks this late, especially when I can’t sleep. There aren’t many people around.”

            “That’s what I was thinking too,” Dan mumbled. Phil’s shoes scuffed against the pavement.

            “Why are you here?” Phil asked.

            Dan resisted the urge to run a hand down his face at the stupidity of the question. “Seriously?”

            “I meant like…why are you doing this?”

            “You want me to pour my fucking heart out to a random stranger?” Dan looked back at Phil’s shadow and saw it shrug.

            “Just making conversation.”

            Dan sighed. His hands were starting to go numb, though his palms stung painfully from the icy metal. He just wanted to let go. He wanted to feel the wind on his face and then the shocking coldness of the water and then nothing. Deep down, however, he wanted someone to remember him. He wanted someone to know why. He hadn’t left a note, hadn’t told anyone what he was going to do. He wanted to tell someone, _anyone,_ all the shit that was going through his head. He could tell Phil. Phil couldn’t judge him. Phil knew nothing about him—except that he wanted to kill himself.

            “Why wouldn’t I be here?” Dan said. “I’m a university drop out with no friends, a shit job, an even shittier apartment, and no future. My parents and the rest of my family hardly give a shit about me, especially since I dropped out. I can’t hold down a relationship, I’ve been a fucking failure my entire life, I’ve never even had a best friend and all I do is procrastinate and sleep and eat way too much and I hardly ever finish anything I start. I’m a socially awkward, living, breathing, walking, failure and when I’m gone no one will give a shit and it might even make their lives easier if they didn’t have to deal with such a screw up.” Dan took a shaky breath and blinked away the tears that were threatening to fall. He swallowed the lump that was forming in his throat. “That was a lot. Sorry.”

            “It’s okay,” Phil said. “Keep going if you need to. I’ll listen.”

            “Why are you being so nice to me?” Dan said as his voice cracked. “I’m just some random guy throwing himself off a bridge. You could have just let me fall.”

            “I never would have been able to live with myself,” Phil said. “I would have spent the rest of my life wondering if I could have helped.”

            Dan couldn’t stop the tears this time. They rolled silently down his cheeks and dripped off his chin. He didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve to have some random stranger care about him and listen to his problems. His arms were starting to shake from being braced for so long. His hands hurt so much. He could let go. It would be so easy to let go. All he would have to do to make Phil sick of him was keep talking, and when Phil left, he could finally let go. His thoughts ground to a halt when he felt Phil’s hand over one of his, soft and large and warm. How long had it been since he’d touched someone else’s hand? Since he’d had human contact at all? Dan suddenly thought about his mom. When was the last time he’d hugged her? He hadn’t spoken to either of his parents since he’d dropped out of university a month ago, and that had been an argument. He thought about his mom’s smiling face, warm embraces, and how she had always run her fingers through his hair until he fell asleep when he was sick no matter how old he got. Dan’s stomach lurched and his throat tightened.

            “Fuck,” he choked. “What the fuck am I doing? I don’t—Phil, I don’t want to die.”

            “Come on then. I’ve got you. Take my hand, okay?” Phil said in a soothing voice.

            Dan slowly, carefully turned himself around and grabbed on to both of Phil’s hands so tightly that they shook, never looking up. If it hurt, Phil said nothing. Instead, he murmured words of encouragement and reassurance while Dan got on the other side of the railing. It took a little bit of guidance—Dan’s eyes were too full of tears to see properly—but he got there. When Dan wiped the tears from his eyes and the world wasn’t so blurry, he looked up from the ground to see blue eyes framed by thick black glasses, pale skin that practically glowed in the moonlight, and jet black hair sweeping across Phil’s forehead.

            “Are you alright?” he asked softly.

            “Y-yeah, I, uh,” Dan stuttered. His hands were shaking. Phil’s face went out of focus as Dan’s eyes filled with tears. He felt Phil’s arms wrap around him and let out a sob as he curled into the other man’s warmth instinctively.

            “You’re alright,” Phil reassured him, rubbing one hand up and down between Dan’s shoulder blades. “It’s alright.”

            “Thank you,” Dan whispered in between sobs. Phil gave him a little squeeze before letting go and offering a small smile. Dan returned it after wiping his tears away.

            “Want to join me? I haven’t finished my walk,” Phil said.

            “I thought you liked being alone on your walks,” Dan said.

            Phil shrugged. “It’s nice to have company sometimes.”

            Dan’s smile grew. “Sure.”

            They began to walk down the sidewalk side by side. Dan was still shaken from his near-death experience, but he could feel the adrenaline fading with every step he took. Phil was a calming presence. Snow began to fall softly, and the river bubbled quietly below them. Dan stopped to look at it for a moment. It had gone from pitch black to silver in the moonlight, and it almost glowed. He could feel Phil looking at him with a little concern. He didn’t blame him, considering what had almost happened. He turned to face the other man, a smile on his face.

            “Oh, by the way,” Dan said. He took a small step towards Phil, his hand outstretched. “The name’s Dan.”

**Author's Note:**

> *channels my depression into fanfiction*


End file.
